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i've given up on small things: i rarely muster the energy to straighten my hair in the morning & then worry all day that it looks like shit, that i look like shit. this is only one example, there are others. what i'm trying to say is that this is hard. what else did i expect? to be honest, i expected easier. a quiet life bursting at the seams with love and color. so what, i used to dream. i'm not saying i'm never happy, i'm just saying i'd like to stop crying for a little while. i don't want to worry about any of this anymore, i'm too tired. i didn't know the meaning of the word tired until now.
i wish i could say that i was a better person, i wish i could say that all of this work i've been doing at this desk for a year & a half was worth something. i spend it all, lately on doctor bills for imaginary illnesses, but also on a car, which is important, and a camera & exercise equipment that i don't use, among other things. i haven't saved a real penny for school, which is what i said i was doing in the first place.
i don't care though, i have decided to be an optimist. the glass is half full, everything will work itself out in the end. i am strong, i am beautiful, worthy, loved. i am amanda. i am stepping up to the plate, i am taking responsibility. i am & that's all that matters.
"of course you're alright, you're alive!"
-garden state
- Music:maps- yeah yeah yeahs (on repeat)
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tangled_kisses's journal